i hope you get cancer™

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Enemies of the people: comedians' special

Now more than ever™, it is essential we are clear about whose side we are on. And, as I sit here putting off my overdue paper, this much I know. There can be no crime more evil, more unforgiveable, than a comedian not being funny. With one exception, that is: comedians who stop being funny. I reserve a particular, visceral blind hatred for those cocksuckers who pollute my living-room, who think they are funny, who might once have been amusing, but who now have all the rib-tickling capacity of cancer of the face. And so Hell Is Other People proudly invites your further nominations for the following rogues' gallery of the laughter-murderers:

  1. Steve Martin Once the funniest person on earth. WTF?
  2. Robin Williams As a comedian, he makes a great character actor. No really!
  3. Sanjeev Bhaskar I'm torn between the Scylla of killing myself and the Charybdis of punching him in his smug face every time I see him.
  4. Mark Thomas Po-faced, quite good agitprop masquerading as stand-up comedy. Give up the day job. Please.
  5. Lenny Henry What makes him, or anyone, think he's remotely comical? And anyone so intimately involved with the laughter-free zone of Comic Relief deserves to be put on compulsory hunger strike.
  6. Ben Elton Unfunny, mockney, millionnaire, gave life to that Queen musical. Where's my gun?
  7. Eddie Murphy "Oo look at me! In another hilarious fish-out-of-water situation!" Get over it.
  8. Lee Evans The poor man's Norman Wisdom. Stomach-churning.
  9. Ellen DeGeneres I'm a funnier lesbian than her.